If I could grasp and get an understanding I really wish I could. How cancer pops out of no where, how cancer has the power to ruin my life and the life of my family. How cancer has no rhyme or reason to attack who I feel is the nicest most influential person in my life. I feel that the disease is rotting away at me. It’s rotting at my Core, rotting at my being. That cancer didn’t only kill my mother it’s killing me. It’s making me suffer, it’s making me feel numb, it makes me feel like not to celebrate or be excited about anything because we don’t know when it will come back. Cancer took away the health of my Mom. She was a roly poly individual with a full big belly and full big heart. She rotted away physically to a person I didn’t know. It made her have altered mental status during the days that I needed my Mom most. A time when I was beyond stressed out and I went into the room begging for my Mom to be there to hear about my day. And she was gone. Having no idea of who I was. I just needed my Mom. MY MOM! My Dad and my family is lost. LOST! We’re fragmenting and falling apart with no one to put us back on the path, back on the right way. I feel that I pray for the day that my death comes just to be reassured that I can see my Mom again. Not in a suicide way because I don’t believe that…. although I would have if my Mom wanted to kill herself I think I would have let her. Because then the cancer wouldn’t have won. It wouldn’t have won. Cancer made my mom’s death painful and ugly. Not peaceful, like going to sleep. She was agitated, she fought with me, my Dad and climbed and climbed out of bed. Then she began vomitting blood. Vomiting blood every where…. just when we thought it was over.
Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. I’m tired of crying at least once a week for something I can’t change. I try to do the right things best by my mother. But at times I don’t feel like she exists with us anymore. That cancer snatched her away and I never get the chance to know or feel her again. Thanks Cancer. The only thing that ever had the capability to shock us and batter us into reality. The thing that physically sucked the life out of my Mom and the rest of us. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. And I don’t think I should have to. But I’m scared for myself and my family and my friends that cancer will invade again. Again and Again. You won I really think I’m defeated.