where do you come from? i hear that there’s a lot of different types of you, different forms, people find it at different times, and all in all it seems that there is this mystery about who, what, and where you are. I don’t understand how you could be so elusive while we’re dedicating so much to finding out more about you and how to beat you. Are we asking the wrong questions? Are we looking at the wrong areas? Are we sharing our findings enough between all the people working on it? Would Google do it better / different / faster? One thing I do believe (hope at least) is that we have to be making progress everyday – so hopefully it won’t be long. You’ve already ravaged my life in certain ways that I could never forget; but there are many more lives that you’ll never get a hold of – so screw you.
2010 – we’re gonna find out more…. look out!

You’re crazy if you think I’m going to let you win. I’m still here and I’m gonna fight you like you wouldn’t believe. There are millions that have faced you before and won and I will be one of them. I know that you are beatable and I will do everything in my power to beat you. I have countless people to support me and they mean so much to me that we are going to beat you. So, I hope you’re ready for a battle because I am bringing everything I got to fight you. I’ll talk to every doctor in the world if I have to, and I’ll spend every minute of my time finding ways to improve my health and get you out. Have you seen what hospitals have lately — you’re gonna be gone.
Bye!!!

You have taken away three women that I love dearly. I’m so frustrated… and I’m angry…and I’m so confused. How can you do this to these moms, friends, parents, role models, supports? I miss them, daily.

My cancer is not really a cancer at all. It is a thought process. A continual need to seek affirmation in all the wrong places. I cannot control it. But I must learn to live with this.

I hate you. You have taken away so many people I love and you have taken my breasts and my innocence and my belief in my own good health and longevity. I’ll never forgive you for that. I hate you, hate you, hate you.

A little more then two weeks ago, cancer took my Mother & Best Friend away from me. My Mother was 63 years old and died from a year and a half battle with cervical cancer. After endless rounds of chemo and radiation and and far too many sleepless night filled with back pain, nausea, constipation and fear the cancer took my Mother’s life. The cancer eventually spread to other areas of her body including her lymph nodes, liver and the start of her lungs and kidneys. I can’t beging to tell you how cancer robbed my Mother not only of her hair but her dignity and respect. She was a beautiful woman filled with joy, happiness and a zest for lift. In many ways my Mother just started living her life as a “senior” and cancer robbed her of that, of growing to an old little woman with gray hair. I am a 33 year old married woman who will have to spend the rest of my life mourning and missing my Mother, my children will never my Mother’s warm embrace and they will never know how much she would have loved them or how much I loved her, no matter how many pictures I could fill one up with. I was my Mother’s sole caretaker putting my life on hold for my mother, I don’t regret any of it for one second, but now as not only her caretaker but as her daughter and best friend, I am completely lost without her. I can’t even begin to express the sadness I feel in my heart and how many times in these past 2 short weeks I have gone to pick up the phone and call her, I now call her cell phone everyday just so I can hear her voice on her message. Cancer not only took my Mother away from her loving family but cancer has taken a piece of my life away as well. This weekend is Mother’s Day the first without my Mother, my Mother will always live in my mind and heart but I have to tell you I would much rather have my Mother here with me then for her to be my guardian angel.

I hate you cancer…You took my Daddy from me ! He was the strongest man I knew until you came into his life. You not only ruined his life, you ruined my life and many others that loved my Dad. I will never forgive you. I can’t wait until the day comes that this world finds a cure for you and we beat the heck out of you ! You have taken to many good people ! I hate you !!! I love my Daddy so much ! Please go away and leave us alone !!!

I hate you! You are evil, sneaky, ugly, and cruel. You hide yourself til it is too late. You took my beloved husband, Gene. You took my “Honey Bunny”, my life, my best friend, my lover. You took my happiness away from me and made him suffer. You are the devil incarnate.
Just when he started to feel a little better after all the radiation and chemotherapy, you decided to take him down once and for all. You robbed us of everything. We never got to say good bye to each other. Gene was on a ventilator most of his last two weeks on this earth. Also, he was sedated most of the time. When he did wake up, he was scared and angry. He never wanted anyone to see him like that. Finally, he could fight no longer because you took over full force. You invaded his lungs to the point where he could never improve. I had to give him permission to go with God. He was so worried about me and how I would fare without him. I told him that I would be okay and that I loved him. He went quietly.

You may have won that battle, cancer, but there are strides of hope out there to beat you out of existence!
Then we can all say “Good riddance!”

If I could grasp and get an understanding I really wish I could. How cancer pops out of no where, how cancer has the power to ruin my life and the life of my family. How cancer has no rhyme or reason to attack who I feel is the nicest most influential person in my life. I feel that the disease is rotting away at me. It’s rotting at my Core, rotting at my being. That cancer didn’t only kill my mother it’s killing me. It’s making me suffer, it’s making me feel numb, it makes me feel like not to celebrate or be excited about anything because we don’t know when it will come back. Cancer took away the health of my Mom. She was a roly poly individual with a full big belly and full big heart. She rotted away physically to a person I didn’t know. It made her have altered mental status during the days that I needed my Mom most. A time when I was beyond stressed out and I went into the room begging for my Mom to be there to hear about my day. And she was gone. Having no idea of who I was. I just needed my Mom. MY MOM! My Dad and my family is lost. LOST! We’re fragmenting and falling apart with no one to put us back on the path, back on the right way. I feel that I pray for the day that my death comes just to be reassured that I can see my Mom again. Not in a suicide way because I don’t believe that…. although I would have if my Mom wanted to kill herself I think I would have let her. Because then the cancer wouldn’t have won. It wouldn’t have won. Cancer made my mom’s death painful and ugly. Not peaceful, like going to sleep. She was agitated, she fought with me, my Dad and climbed and climbed out of bed. Then she began vomitting blood. Vomiting blood every where…. just when we thought it was over.
Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. I’m tired of crying at least once a week for something I can’t change. I try to do the right things best by my mother. But at times I don’t feel like she exists with us anymore. That cancer snatched her away and I never get the chance to know or feel her again. Thanks Cancer. The only thing that ever had the capability to shock us and batter us into reality. The thing that physically sucked the life out of my Mom and the rest of us. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. And I don’t think I should have to. But I’m scared for myself and my family and my friends that cancer will invade again. Again and Again. You won I really think I’m defeated.

I found out in April I had 3 tumors on my thyroid therefore after testing it was decided that I needed a total thyroidectomy. My surgery was done in early May and the frozen section of 1 of the tumors taken during surgery was benign however when the final pathology report came back 2 tumors, 1 on each side of thyroid, were cancerous ( papillary and follicular). Needless to say I was terrified. I began seeing my endocronologist for treatment. I had to wait about a month and a half before we could do anything as before my surgery I had a CAT scan with iodine dye and we had to wait for the iodine to get out of my body. I then did a 24 hour urine test and the iodine was out. So, I had to stop my Cytomel and go on a low iodine diet for 2 weeks, which was awful. I had absolutely no energy, very sluggish, very emotional, and the low iodine diet was terrible as there’s not much of anything you can eat. I then had my I-131 radiation treatment and had terrible reactions thus ended up in the ER 2 days later. The following week I went for my whole body scan, which came back looking good. I’m now on Synthroid, which I began July 31st. I am still dealing with no energy, very emotional, sluggish, achy, loss of taste buds, gaining weight, feeling at a loss, and dealing with a husband who makes comments such as, “You’re not the only one dealing with this. I work all day and then have to come home and do everything around the house!” I feel guilty but I just can’t do it. It’s all I can do to get a shower and do a load or two of laundry. I’ve tried to explain that the endo. told me it would take about 6 weeks for the synthroid to really kick in but my husband seems to think he knows everything and that I should be up and running by now and continues to push me to do more. I went to my endo. yesterday as I’ve been having horrible chest pains, very bad acid reflux, loss of balance, and a swollen and very painful salivary gland. I was given some meds. and told to give my synthroid about 5 more weeks and I should begin to start feeling better and that these reactions I’m having are from the radiation and to take it easy and rest and NOT push myself. I explained what the dr. said to my husband and his response was, “so i guess that means I have to go 5 more weeks doing everything.” Well, that really helped me emotionally. He is also a very controlling man, and has no patience at all and is not sympathetic or empathetic. I know he loves me and worries and when he gets scared, it comes out as anger. His mother died of a stroke when he was 8 years old and I think this has alot to do with his seemingly “uncaring” attitude. he is not one to sit and talk things out so I just have to hold my feelings in, I cry a lot and rely on family and friends. He’s really been griping at me lately for everything and of course I’m always wrong and then of course cry and cry. I am sorry for the length of this but I guess I just needed to let things out. If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate your feedback. Thank you for reading this lengthy explanation. As a side note……I also had my entire large colon removed last July and almost died as I was given too much morphiene thru the pump, I’m also having to see a gynecological oncologist as I’m dealing with female pre-cancerous cells and have already had to have 2 laser surgeries since Dec. to remove the cells. The last biopsies were very close to being cancer. So……..I’m really dealing with a lot and I just need some encouragement to continue to fight the fights. I’m so tired. Again, thank you.

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